Sunday, April 4, 2010

God Save Me From the Self-Esteem Police

I have this friend -- acquaintance really -- who, when within earshot, you really can't say anything without it being grossly misconstrued.

It's not that she misinterprets everything. I can tell her, "hey, get me a cherry Pepsi," and she'll come back with a cherry Pepsi.

No, no, it's more pervasive than that. Picture this:

I remind myself to bring a pen to the meeting. At my desk, I pick up the pen and then somehow I still manage to forget my pen.

My response: "Jesus, I'm fucking retarded today!"

Invariably she will say, "Don't say that about yourself."

Dude, whatEVER!

Yes, yes I know. Power of positive thinking, blah blah, self actualizing language, yadda yadda you. As if I'm suddenly going to wake up one day with mental retardation because I actualized it by calling myself colloquially retarded.

You know what that makes me think? That makes me think SHE'S retarded.

So there!

Friday, February 12, 2010

From Bakersfield to Birmingham in a Single Leap

I might write a couple of posts today, call it making up for the fact that I haven't posted all month, or chalk it up to the idea that I have a few things on my mind (amazing!) call it whatever, it's my blog and I'll post what and when I damn well feel like it.

I miss Bakersfield. There, I said it. I grew up in Sacramento, spent some years in South San Francisco, loved living on the beach in Huntington and hanging out with my still good friends in Torrance and San Pedro, met my (ex) husband in San Diego and enjoyed living in all of those places but today, god damnit, I miss Bakersfield.

Don't get me wrong, Bakersfield *is* a total shithole and I always always always hated living there. The people are, for the most part, assholes, the scenery is FUgly and the nightlife,...well, that's populated by the aforementioned asshole people. I was never very happy there and I used to spend the vast majority of my summers down at my mother's house in San Juan Capistrano hanging out with my friends in San Pedro and Torrance, bumming at the beach, partying in the Torrance Honda warehouse and drinking at the coolest beer bar in the world: I don't remember the name. I think it was Capistrano something.

But, sitting here in Birmingham -- which is really an OK city, not great, not horrible, just OK -- waiting for the snow to fly (snow: still a novelty) I get to thinking about how much I really miss Bakersfield. Mind you, I don't miss Bakersfield proper, I miss Cow Flat; Last Chance Canyon; Greg, Gary, Bear, Dave, Judy, Dean, and Jeff; Rockhounding with Jason; The stars on a clear night; watching meteor showers in the Mojave; LOW HUMIDITY! Early springtime; The smell of orange orchards; Being able to sit outside without being a mosquito buffet; Swimming in the Kern; My medical marijuana card; Studying Geology; my kids (who now live in San Diego--lucky bastards). I miss it. I miss it all. The people I knew: I miss them all.

Note to self: hawksxxx@somedomain.com. I wish I could find Gary Berry. Send Greg (1501 P) a "hi."

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Oh Goodie! Another War On the Horizon

Blah blah blah blah Iran, blah blah enriched uranium blah blah weapons of mass destruction blah blah make the world safe for democracy blah al Queda blah blah blah.

We are so totally screwed.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Supreme Court Supremely Screwed US

I want to hate justice Kennedy for being the swing vote that allowed that corporations are a human and thus allowed them free speech, but after reading this article I really can't fault the guy. Hey, unlike his non-hearted compatriots, at least the dude wants to grant Gitmo detainees human rights and argues on the right side of racial school admissions. A free thinker, I like that, even if he is a doddering Reagan nominee.

Now, that's not to say that I think that a corporation should be granted constitutional rights, that sort of legislation is straight up bullshit and the American people are totally screwed now that this precedent has been set in Supreme Court Stone.

Fuck, I hate Republicans. Democrats suck but, Jesus-pissed-up-a-goddamned-rope, Republicans are just downright evil.

Soul Sucking Suck

In my last post, I appeared to be happy to get this upcoming opportunity. Sure it comes with shitty hours and a lot of stress but the money is...erm, unreliable. But when the money is there, it's damn good money. So why, almost 2 weeks before I start am I suddenly having panic attacks? I haven't even set foot in the place yet (to work) and already I'm at risk for a heart attack and/or stroke.

Seriously, my blood pressure is through the roof! I have a headache, I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm having shooting pains in my left arm, heart palpitations and my heart and soul are screaming, "NnnnoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

If I don't take this job I'll feel like a loser. If I do take this job... well, I already fucking hate it. Enough said there.

I honestly do not know what to do. But I just might follow my heart on this one. I just might.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Soul Sucking Sellout

Ok, I don't think my readers (haha) are stupid enough to take me literally, but just in case you are, in fact, completely retarded allow me to disclaimer: I did not make a pact with the Devil, per se. But the devil is in the details.

Birmingham has been good to me. I've been able to pay my bills on time, every month which, to me is freakin' awesome! What can I say? I'm a simple person with simple pleasures.

I don't really know anybody here. And, like millions of other citizens of the free world, my job prospects were becoming...erm...slim to none. Sure, we were making some money with our business, but it was subsidized by my unemployment, which is set to run out in May of this year. (Additional disclaimer for the assholes at the unemployment office: when I say "our business" I really mean "my mate's business" because I certainly don't hang drywall or set toilets so keep your greedy fucking paws off of my unemployment check!)

Not that I'll be needing it much longer.

Hey, man, I got a job! A good job. A kick-ass oh-my-god-I'll-never-have-to- worry-about-starving-to-death-ever-again job.

In a true "it's not what you know but whom" fashion, a hot shit friend of my mother's from California randomly moved to Birmingham to run the firm down the street.

Hell yes, I called him. Hell yes, he's a bit of a devil. Hell yes, I sold my soul.

Cha-ching!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Seismologists to Blame for Earthquake in Haiti

I love reading reader comments -- which is sort of sadly ironic since I personally don't have any -- reader comments demonstrate the pulse of society. I love to read a well-turned opinion (that saves me from having to craft a response of my own.) But truthfully, I like the stupid comments best of all. Nothing tickles my gigglebox faster than a partisan knee-jerk response drowning in its own illogic.

Yesterday was truly a red-letter day for stupid fucking comments.

"Haiti produces zip, zilch, nada, (implied: why should we help them?)" (um...Rush? I know your fat ass has heard of sugar.)

"Great, another SOCIALIST regime OBAMA can support with our TAXPAYER money!" (so, you're cool with the Defense Budget and blowing up light brown people, but humanitarian missions to save dark brown people are a no-no. PS Haiti is a Republic. Hint: banana)

And so on and so forth, I don't know how a person can politicize a random national tragedy, but there were plenty of American idiots (read: Republicans) on board the Insane Train yesterday.

But, the best (worst) comment I encountered yesterday (that wasn't something Pat Robertson said) went something along the lines of:

"Where were the SEISMOLOGISTS during all of this? Why weren't they DOING THEIR JOBS? What do we pay the SEISMOLOGISTS for anyway?"


Yes, exactly where were those lazy ass seismologists? Those no good sons of bitches! They were probably just sitting around in their UNDERGROUND SEISMOLOGY LAIR playing Bioshock 2 in their underwear when the Earthquake Early Warning/Psychic Prediction Alarm went off. I can picture it all now:

Seismologist #1: "Hey, the Earthquake thingie is beeping!"

Seismologist #2: "Fuck it, I'm almost to Level 4."

Seismologist #1: "The readout majobber says there'll be a HUGE Earthquake in Haiti next week."

Seismologist #2: "Haiti sucks anyway, hand me that bag of Cheetos."

Seismologist #1: "Move over, I wanna play!"