Thursday, December 31, 2009

I Miss Dave Berry

Dave Berry's Year in Review: 2009

Happy Arbitrary Earth Revolution Day!

I'm not typically a New Year's Resolution type person, but this year's reinvention happens to coincide with what I've always referred to as Arbitrary Earth Revolution Day.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Indeed. My stinky old roommate is moving out today.

I've always felt that you're supposed to take stuff away from relationships, some tidbit of wisdom shared. I've learned so much from the people in my life, but I can honestly say that my old roommate, 55 years old and with a Master's degree, had absolutely zero wisdom to impart. He's very awkward with people and has a past filled with failed relationships most of which grossly subjected to projection and the blame game. All that charm, plus he thinks he knows it all so doesn't take any more away from a relationship than he gives

My new roommate is a delight. I met her a few years ago in New Orleans when I was living with another friend of mine from California. She was the third roommate and my first thought was, "great, now I've got to live with some obnoxious slut."

Happily, I was wrong. In fact, I have a lot to learn from this gem of a woman.

Namely German industriousness. Whew! This is going to be a tiring year.

The one thing I do know about my old roommate is that he thinks that we're here on Earth to learn how to be stewards of Heaven. But I think you're supposed to get the Earth part right before you get to move on. Sorry dude, you're in for another round.

Not that I believe in that bullshit.

Let's get to work!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Drink More Water

Some years ago when I was heavily into poetry, I sought to become a minimalist. I loved the power of a succinct phrase. BAM!

Maybe that's why I can't really write anymore. I can't even write expository, which made returning to school somewhat difficult, but that's another story.

Drink more water.

Water is pH neutral, thus is neutralizing. Some cancers thrive in an acidic environment.

Water is a solute. Kidney stones suck.

Cold water when ingested is brought up to body temperature thus utilizing calories. Fatty!

Just drink your %$#@ing water!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Existentially Constipated Since 2006

I think I've figured out why I don't -- or can't -- write anything of substance anymore. It all hurts so damn much, existentially and otherwise.

One of my current favorite bloggers, Les Visible likes to think of the coming Apocalypse as an unveiling, and if I'm not misinterpreting him too badly, he likes to offer a worldview that all will out in the end and those of us who are left will be better off for it.

If only.

Friday, December 25, 2009

No Jello For You won't let me share Jello Biafra's spoken word albums with you all (I told you I was right to be scared!)

So, listen to Rush instead. Or maybe Rage Against The Machine. :)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Joe? Joe McCarthy, Is That You?

I caught myself editing an earlier post so that the Department of Homeland Security wouldn't scrutinize me.

When I began this blog I told myself I wouldn't post much in the way of the political, lest I be labeled: socialist, communist, racist, anti-semetic, anti-capitalist, capitalist, libertarian, conspiracy theorist, etc.

I'm not scared of the labels, frankly, but I'm scared shitless of my own government.

That certainly puts a cramp on what I used to write about.

I can't write about weed, because I'm afraid of the police, ditto rampant police abuse.

I can't write about the failures of the Obama administration, that's racist!

I can't write about ... well, fucking anything.

And that sucks.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Small Business Big Money Obsession

I've never been all that obsessed with money, but then again I always had it and never really had to work for it all that hard either. All that is about to change.

I realized that if I'm going to start my own business (again -- my first effort failed,) I'm going to have to get positively obsessed with money, and not necessarily in a bad way.

I don't really know what I'm doing here, but I suppose I can figure it out. One thing I know is that I'm ok for the next six months, but after that it gets really scary which is why I had better spend the next six months working to assure that I'm flush for 12 months, and in turn spend those 12 months working to assure the next 12 months aren't life killers, either.

With all this spending going on, the one thing I do know is that I need to curb my spending. I like clothes. I might be sort of a hippie, but I'm stilla girl. I wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of Jimmy Choos but damn it, I love my Converse!

And I smoke cigarettes. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I had more uninteresting banality to write, but alas life intrudes.

Monday, December 21, 2009

When Tar and Feathers Won't Suffice

I admit it, I'm a news junkie only I don't own a television so I have to read the news in order to get my fix. I read a lot of distressing crap everyday, so much so that you'd think I'd be immune to stuff like this.

In case you're too lazy to click the link, here's a synopsis for ya:

Self-employed (read: subprime ARM) woman buys tiny little house in California circa 2006 for 350,000. She asks for a loan modification. Lender denies modification and SELLS HOUSE FROM UNDER WOMAN FOR 78,000 to an LLC DBA Shark Investments.

Shark. Fucking. Investments.

Yeah, no shit.

I'll bet that woman would have LOVED the opportunity to have bought her house for 275,000 less than she paid for it instead of getting evicted for having tried to modify her loan. Oh and get this, she wasn't even late on any of her payments!

Burn in Hell, banker bitches, burn in motherfucking Hell!!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I Dig Gerald Celente and A New Year's Resolution

While I'm wrapping my mind around the idea of never again working for a corporate entity (admittedly it's not a very big box to wrap, as I've always hated those bastards anyway,) I'm also struggling with the very scary thought of making enough money to survive. Or, more aptly put: what in the Hell do I have to offer the world?

Crown Moulding.

OK. I can do that.

Pretty textured paint jobs.

I can do that, too.

Ceiling murals.


Now, how to package those offerings so that they appeal to the new austerity.

According to Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute:

As times get tougher and money gets scarcer, one of the hottest new money-making, mood-changing, influence-shaping trends of the century will soon be born. We forecast that will be “Elegance” in its many manifestations. The trend will begin with fashion and spread through all the creative arts, as the need for beauty trumps the thrill of the thuggish. A strong, do-it-yourself aspect will make up for reduced discretionary income, as personal effort provides the means for affordable sophistication.....

Affordable sophistication. I like that. I think I'll market in that direction.
And sell all my shit on e-bay.

Things to accomplish in the new year:

Aggressively market business. Advertise. Fliers. Before and after pictures. Create website. Network.*

Continue to lose weight and get in shape (more walking, fatty!)

Work on GIMP 2

Back up computer files, already!

Read Anna Karenina

Learn new painting techniques with roommate/partner.

Work on mural painting.

Keep writing. Go back to and bid for small jobs.

Find somewhere I can volunteer and help my community (and network).*

Make yard less of a disaster.

Grow herb garden.

Move those %$#@ing 50 year old irises that aren't getting enough sunlight....before spring!

Go through all my stuff and sort out what I don't need, sell on ebay and donate the rest.

Learn to sew.

Quit smoking. - This one's gonna be hard, but screw paying hard-earned money for the pleasure of choking to death!

Plus, I'd really like a couple of chickens. So I'll need to learn something about chickening.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Not Much To Say

I'm supposed to write everyday as a way of re-honing my supposed skills (I use the term loosely.) But I started off the day with a) a crying little boy, and b) by reading the news.

Having my little angel-poof cry himself to sleep at 3 a.m. because he doesn't feel well is distressful enough, given that he's autistic and can't tell me what the hell is wrong with him but reading the news, hoo boy, that'll give me writer's constipation faster than a block of cheese with a side of Pepto Bismol.

Crop failures. Inflation. War. Joy.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The New Austerity

Austerity. I like it. It's got connotations.

Austerity=prosperity. Sure, why not?

It's a hell of a(n) euphemism for "broke ass motherfucker."

Iced, Iced Retards

I'm not a global warming cultist, and I totally get how some people (in Minnesota) want global warming, but I'm going to have a fucking ANNEUERISM if I hear one more person say, "oh it's snowing; where's your global warming now?"

Let's get this straight, retardos: WEATHER is not the equivalent of CLIMATE.

Yes, I know there's been falsified data. No, I don't trust the government on this one. That doesn't negate the fact that YOU simply are not qualified to opine on this issue, particularly if you're one of those numb nuts who keeps equating a snow flake to a potential cataclysm.

That said, I'm really not alarmed by the idea of global warming. I think they should have stuck with, you know, the real fucking problem.

Pollution. Duh.

There are dead zones off the mouths of major rivers, giant gyres of garbage in the middle of the oceans, top soil depletion, GMO pollen with seed killing technology attacking wild plants, giant pig shit ponds, pharmaceutical drugs in the water supply, etc., etc., ad fucking nauseum.

But I guess Shell Oil and Monstanto, Goldman Sachs, et al. couldn't figure out a way to profit from pollution so good old stock market-based carbon credit-trading friendly global warming it is.

You have a valid reason to be skeptical regarding the current global warming hype, but your current counter arguments are still stupid.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Time's Person of the Year (I shit you not!)

Ben Bernanke

File this under "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?"

En el Tiempo de los Padres

"You told me to drink from this fountain, inviting me, that is,
to draw the waters of my salvation from your wellsprings, my Savior." - St. Peter

Bring the Padre alkaline and bitters,
communion to quench his insatiable nature.

the cloy of copal.
nails through the cross.
succulent boymeat sacrament.

I confess this sin -
for him, tainted wine;
the root

of vomit and salt;
a last rite of bile;
pentinence a pound of flesh;

this, and the scatter
of bone.

Thoughts for Future Blog Topics

Like I mentioned before, I'm not new to this writing thing, I'm just rusty. But I promised myself that I'd write something every day. So everything I write is not going to be interesting, case in point, today's effort.

I used to be pretty damned good at my old 32 bit Micrografx art program. I could do things. Neat things. These new art programs have me befuddled, honestly. Layers? I don't know how to work in layers. I mean, I get the concept, but fuck it all if I can't seem to just draw on a goddamned panel. Merge all, damnit, merge all!

What got me started on art programs this morning had to do with the cartoon idea I had upon awaking. So, instead of drawing it out for you all, picture this:

Employee lounge, a couple of dejected looking employees sitting in there. A few flies buzzing around. Posters on the wall.

Poster #1: NO LOW CUT TOPS (boobies with a line drawn through them)
Poster #2: NO THIGH HIGH SKIRTS (you get the idea)

The employees are talking to one another about their low cut wages and sky high insurance premiums.

Poster #3: YOU'RE FIRED!

Ok, it doesn't sound as good as it looked in my head. But it was funny, damnit.

Future posts: I voluntarily live in the ghetto. Peter Rabbit hopping on my desk. My roommate stinks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I also promised myself to learn one new thing about GIMP a day, so someday I might be able to recreate my Anal Avenger (freudian) cartoon series.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm Motivated to Begin Writing Again

I'm swearing off the soul-crushing corporate world. Screw them, anyway!

Now I'll I've got to do is figure out what to do.


At any rate, I was late to the Violent Acres party, but this chick's writing rocks. And I think I know what her name is, but I'm not telling.

I'm back, babies!