Monday, January 11, 2010

Single People Solo For a Reason

I don't think I have any readers yet, but if I did this disclaimer is for you: this article isn't about people in their teens and twenties, you guys are expected to be single. This article is also not about single people who avidly choose to be single, you guys know your personal limitations and embrace them, hooray for you!

No, this particular post is about adult single people who wish they weren't single. And I'm gonna lay it right out for you in plain English: you're single because there's something fundamentally wrong with your personality.

Let's get this straight: you're not single because you're fat. Or flat chested. Or too short. Or can't cook. Or have a bad job. Or have children. Sure, you might not get as many dates because of the above "flaws" but they really have no bearing on your inability to snag a mate. Really.

You're single because, in short, you're impossible to put up with. You smell like the 15 cats you love to sleep with. You say one thing and do another. You're hypercritical. You are an obnoxious drunk. You are manipulative. You are a terrible lay. You punch people in the face. You have prima dona personal crises over a broken fingernail. You don't wash your ass -- or your sheets -- often enough. You whine too much. You tell people that you're manic depressive. I could go on.

All that charm plus, too many limitations on what other people can be; i.e: "I like him but his hair is thinning and he's 2 centimeters too short." Or: "she laughs at my jokes and loves baseball but her ass jiggles and what would my douchebag friends think if I didn't date a Playboy model?" Jesus pissed up a rope, look in the fucking mirror you unattractive excuse for a human being, and then let the brunt of the physical limitations you put on other people go already, you don't have to date Quasimodo but get a sense of proportion already. Think of it this way, if the relationship is a success you're both going to be wrinkled up, balding, jiggly-assed short people. Duh.

And lastly, many singles believe that there's the PERFECT SOMEONE out there for them, and it will be them+they=TLA (heart heart). Bullshit, ok? Bullshit. Love grows. What there is out there are varying degrees of people you can tolerate. Or not. Singles are often of the latter variety.

That's why I never want to lose the relationship that I'm in: I'll be stuck having to sort through the insipid psychos that nobody else wants*. Heaven-fucking-forbid! Either that or become a nun.

All things considered, Jesus is starting to look pretty damn good.

*Helpful Dating Tip: date widow[er]s.

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