Sunday, April 4, 2010

God Save Me From the Self-Esteem Police

I have this friend -- acquaintance really -- who, when within earshot, you really can't say anything without it being grossly misconstrued.

It's not that she misinterprets everything. I can tell her, "hey, get me a cherry Pepsi," and she'll come back with a cherry Pepsi.

No, no, it's more pervasive than that. Picture this:

I remind myself to bring a pen to the meeting. At my desk, I pick up the pen and then somehow I still manage to forget my pen.

My response: "Jesus, I'm fucking retarded today!"

Invariably she will say, "Don't say that about yourself."

Dude, whatEVER!

Yes, yes I know. Power of positive thinking, blah blah, self actualizing language, yadda yadda you. As if I'm suddenly going to wake up one day with mental retardation because I actualized it by calling myself colloquially retarded.

You know what that makes me think? That makes me think SHE'S retarded.

So there!